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"I might not be the daughter you expected but you never see me as less" - Siri
"I might not be the daughter you expected but you never see me as less", said Siri, our non-speaking autistic daughter using a letter board.
After hearing this, I let out a sigh of relief, although I know that sometimes I have not been the person that my daughter sees me as.
Our birthdays fall in the same week, in September/October. I was going through some old pictures the other day and found this one. I remember the day very well. We just moved to San Francisco Bay Area. Started my first job as an attending. I was getting ready to go to our department's Holiday event. My wife took this picture of me holding Siri.
We had no clue on how her life would unfold. We had great expectations, like any other parent would. I knew that she would be a smart, kind and a sweet individual. Although autism and its devastating effect on her would mask these qualities for decades. Underneath she was still smart, kind and a sweet individual. We just didn't know it. And she coudn't show it. Her body does not listen to her brain, as Siri puts it.
When she started communicating after a couple of decades of silence, we are able to see how much she had to endure through the years. The disdain, the discrimination and pure disgust that people would show her, mostly behind our backs but even in front of us sometimes. Siri, as it turns out, is very perceptive and very forgiving. What other choice did she have if the whole world thinks low of her, even though inside she is not.
People talk a lot about masking autism, where one has to hide the symtoms of autism and behave like neurotypicals. I want to talk about how autism symptoms will mask a smart, kind and a sweet person. When I talk with parents at Sirica Center, I have to keep reminding them (and myself) that underneath the mask of autism, their child is smart, kind and a sweet individual. Their "behavior" and the dysregulation and physical symptoms will make it hard to see the real person. But one day they will get a glimpse of that person buried under autism symptoms. Just like we did with Siri.
So, my advice (and Siri's advice) to parents is: Do not underestimate the person in front of you. Treat them with respect, courtesy and love. One day you will see who they really are - the smart, kind and a sweet individual!
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